We can leave home, yet we carry our parents with us. Their voices live in our minds, and they speak loudest at the worst moments: before an interview, after a mistake, when we are tired and doubting ourselves.
That inner voice is the harshest cheerleader we will ever have, and it often sounds exactly like someone who raised us. Picture a boy who brings home a poor report card. His father, tired and worried about school fees, shouts, “Usilima wena!” (“You are a fool!”). The father does not hate his son. He hopes the sharp words will shock the boy into working harder. But the boy does not hear a frustrated man. He hears a verdict.
That is what makes these words lies. The label is untrue: the boy is not a fool, only a child who struggled with a test. Yet he will believe it.
WHY WORDS STICK
A young child has not yet learned to question what adults say. He cannot think, “Father is angry and does not mean it.”
He simply concludes, “I am a fool,” and begins to live accordingly. He stops raising his hand in class. He avoids hard tasks, because failing would only prove the point. His poor results seem to confirm the label, and the label tightens its grip.
Self-esteem is liking and believing in yourself. Confidence is feeling capable of trying something new. A repeated label attacks both. Years later, that boy, now a man, may hesitate to apply for the promotion or start the business, and he will not be able to say why.
Most parents who call their children lazy or stupid do not mean it. They speak from anger, fear or exhaustion, or they are replaying what was said to them. But once spoken, those words become seeds that can grow into low confidence for decades.
THREE PARENTS, THREE KINDS OF DAMAGE
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The critical parent: demands perfection and runs a strict home, including deciding which emotions are acceptable. “A man does not cry.” The child learns that his fear and pain are not worth mentioning, so he buries them. His sense of self-worth and his relationships pay for it later.
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The driven parent values results above feelings. Children who fall short feel they are never good enough, however hard they try. The successful ones are labelled “the clever one” and showered with praise, then feel pressure to excel forever. As adults, they may fear failure and measure their worth by their achievements.
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The passive parent says very little. Parenting is handed to relatives or the domestic helper, and the child receives neither guidance nor discipline. Silence also speaks. A child who is never told “I am proud of you” will fill the gap with his own conclusion, usually that he is invisible.
The styles differ, but the outcome is the same: a child left to build his identity from other people’s words.
WHAT TO SAY INSTEAD
The good news is that words which wound can be replaced by words that build. A parent, aunt or grandmother can start today.
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Describe the behaviour, not the child: Instead of “You are lazy,” try “Your homework is not done, and I need you to finish it before supper.” The first sentence attacks who the child is. The second addresses what the child did, which can be fixed.
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Praise effort, not titles. Instead of “You are so clever,” say “I saw how long you stayed with that problem, and you did not give up.” This teaches a child that ability grows through effort, and it protects him from the fear of losing a label.
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Replace comparison with encouragement. Instead of “Look at your cousin,” try “This result is not where you want to be. Let us work out together what went wrong.” A child who is compared learns to feel small. A child who is supported learns to feel capable.
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Speak about the future you hope for. Instead of “You will never amount to anything,” try “I believe you have something valuable to give, and I want to help you find it.” Children tend to move toward the picture of themselves that the adults around them describe.
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Apologise when you get it wrong. Every parent loses their temper at times. A parent who says, “I spoke harshly yesterday. You are not stupid, and I am sorry,” does something powerful. The child learns that words can be repaired and that respect runs in both directions. That is the heart of buntfu, our shared humanity.
FINAL NOTE
It is easy to miss how mighty words are. For the next seven days, take careful note of the words spoken in your home, including nicknames and off-the-cuff jabs. If you are a parent, listen especially to the labels you attach to your child. They are not mere words. They are instructions on how a child should see himself, what life is, and how to handle relationships.
Examine your words by Jesus’ golden rule: “Do to others as you would have them do to you” (Luke 6:31). Speak to your children the words you would wish to hear.
Listen to yourself as you speak. Would you be happy to hear them? If not, retire them.
And if you are an adult still carrying unhelpful words from childhood, remember that you may put them down. Your parents may have spoken from anger, disappointment or their own pain, and you are not bound by their conditioning. Take the label you have carried and replace it with a sentence you would say to a child you love. Become your own best cheerleader. Your inner child is listening, so be generous with the words you speak over yourself and over your children.
