Anyone who comes into the marital stable with a child from another man exposes empirical evidence that she is damaged.
Now, the premise obtained religiously and even by indigenous culture, custom, and tradition is that whosoever is presented for marriage to a man should not have been touched by another man.
However, the world has become so secular that every girl, from a tender age, would have been touched and you are lucky if she comes to you as a wife without a child. Social media, being the societal teaser it is, has mocked would-be spouses never to overlook someone who comes to the fold with a child, lest you never get to marry anyone. Lelive lonkhe leli selagcwala batali.
On a scale of balance, anyone can date whoever they feel like, but it takes a vigorous and robust decision to choose who you are going to marry.
It is an imbalance, therefore, for a man to go out and tell the world that he is wedding a woman lonemntfwana with whom he will share the rest of his life yet comes around later to say he doesn’t want lomntfwana. Others may not verbalise it, but their treatment of the child will be so sordid and spartan that the wife will have no choice but to take them away.
The moment a woman takes her child to a faraway place be it to her people or back to the child’s father to please her husband, that husband should know inhlitiyo yakhe seyihlephukile. Her heart is broken because the man she loves cannot love her child.
It would tilt the societal scales toward balance if all men who marry baby mamas accept the status quo: if you choose the woman, you embrace her children too. You must be ready to raise another man’s child.
Society won’t lie: raising another man’s child isn’t easy. The task can present betrayal both from your wife and the child you’ve raised. You may be despised by your family and friends who will say, “usiyingayinga wondla umntfwana walenye indvodza.”
No woman will ever admit she’s on good terms with her baby daddy. She will pretend there’s been nothing but conflict since they separated. She may never even disclose that she receives maintenance money from him—money that contributes to the child you’re raising.
At home, the child gets full benefits: shelter, food, clothing, and education. In the worst scenario, you may find yourself in a marital quagmire where your wife is constantly in contact with her baby daddy and you cannot avoid that because banemntfwana labantfu.
Still, noble men have raised children who aren’t their own either by adoption or by virtue of being married to the mother. Later in life, that child may show gratitude and cherish the gesture more than they ever do with their biological father.
We can’t return to an era of couples marrying as virgins and starting their families from scratch. It now takes a brave heart and noble spirit to consciously choose to marry a woman who has a child from another man. Having done so, such a man must protect both his wife and her child from scorn, gossip, and societal judgment.
They shall say: “Phela Masango wayitsenga nelugogo lwayo.”
The nobility of the responsibility lies not in reaping benefits from the child once grown, but in the quiet joy of knowing you contributed to the wellbeing of a child whose biological father was absent.
Yet betrayal may still originate from within the home. Mgagambane Henry Ndlela ignored his mother’s advice not to wed LaHleta, who already had a child. He trusted her faith and the fact that she didn’t know the whereabouts of the child’s father.
Decades later, the woman now a successful businesswoman had registered her company solely in the name of her son. Her husband and four daughters were left with nothing, despite years of collective investment, effort, and support.
This shows that no matter how good you are to the woman and her child, she may remain overly attached to the child she brought into the marriage. Inheritance-wise, you’re unlikely to make that child your heir; while she, the mother, prioritizes the child’s future over the one you share with her.
That child may eventually want to know their real father and, once they reconnect, may forget all you did for them. You must accept that they were never truly your child not in law, blood, or time.
As one social media “philosopher” quipped:
“I’d marry a woman with three children from three different men, but not one with three kids from the same dad because that one might go back.”
It may sound like a joke, but it raises real questions. Should a man consider marrying a woman with many children regardless of who the fathers are?
Mavimbela married a woman with three children and had none in that marriage. His family mocked the kids, calling them “Joyous Celebration.” Every time the children played in the yard, someone would snidely say: “Ijabulile iJoyous Celebration.”
If your wife has children with different men, you might find yourself fighting battles with all those baby daddies. Your family may never approve. They may see your wife as someone who constantly runs back to her exes for her child’s welfare.
Even men who had children before marriage may face issues. Their wives may not accept these children and may even openly say, “angimfuni lomntfwana wakho.”
In such complex situations, some suggest that women with many children should focus on raising them rather than burdening a new man with another man’s responsibility.
